Joke Library
A collection of jokes, bits, and comedy that have stuck with me over the years. Some are brilliantly written, some are completely ridiculous, and some make me laugh simply because of how committed they are to the bit.
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I don't want to drudge up any old wounds... But your father famously abandoned you, so that he could start a new life with the legendary Elizabeth Taylor. But can you blame him? There isn't a man in his right mind who could possibly resist walking out on you.
He is so good at saying the thing you'd least expect from his build-up.
In his book he said that he would have taken a bullet or stood in front of a train for Nicole... Man I'm gonna tell you that is some bad luck; when the one guy who would have died for you... Kills you, you don't get worse luck than that.
Norm takes a figure of speech completely literally and follows the logic to an absurd conclusion. I love how he deliberately focuses on the least important part of the story.
I adore a two-star experience... It is that kind of integrity of mediocrity over time that deserves celebration. The energy that it takes to not improve.
She completely inverts the audience's expectations by celebrating mediocrity instead of excellence. Rather than complaining about a bad shop, she admires its unwavering commitment to being average, and never breaks from that perspective.
I feel that one of the basic requirements of being a sprinter is having legs.
Norm takes the idea completely literally and refuses to leave that position. He ignores the debate everyone else is having and instead argues that having legs should simply be a requirement for running. The funnier Conan and Andy find his argument, the more seriously he defends it.
Jeffrey Epstein... no one criticizes him? Jeff Epstein... the New York financier?
Jim pretends to only know Jeffrey Epstein only as a respectable financier and refuses to acknowledge anything else. The joke comes from committing completely to obvious, deliberate ignorance and forcing everyone else to explain something that shouldn't need explaining.
I wanted to talk to you, Conan, about something that's very important to me... Camouflage.
Tom arrives dressed head-to-toe in camouflage to blend in with the furniture, then treats camouflage as though it's a deeply important subject. He never acknowledges how ridiculous the situation is.
Of course... but maybe.
He starts with an obvious truth, then immediately explores the uncomfortable thought everyone else suppresses. The humour comes from following that forbidden line of reasoning rather than pretending it doesn't exist.
I hope the person she loved most pushed her off a cliff... and then Superman swooped her up... and then dropped her from higher.
The escalation is what makes this brilliant. Louis could stop at wishing she'd fall off a cliff, but instead keeps making the situation increasingly ridiculous. Superman's only purpose in the story is to save her... and Louis immediately has him make it even worse. The joke never lets the audience recover before taking it one step further.
Louis sits in the courtyard of his own apartment building looking rough. A resident assumes he doesn't belong there, so Louis pretends he doesn't live there and keeps giving the worst possible answers until the doorman has to explain that he actually lives in the building.
Louis immediately recognises that the man has judged him based on how he looks. Instead of correcting him, he deliberately reinforces every assumption, saying exactly what the man least wants to hear. He enjoys watching someone confidently act on their own prejudice, only to have it quietly unravel when the doorman reveals he actually lives there.